Last weekend, Bobby and I got to talking. I mentioned that I wanted to work again. I felt that I wasn't "stay at home" mom material and was a better mom/wife when I worked. He recognized that I have been less than present. He noticed my lack of organization, my lack of polish, my lack of being "on the ball", my inability to get a million things done in a short 24 hour day, my incapability to manage time, my lack of passion or drive, and the list goes on.
For those who have known me for years these characteristics are SHOCKING! Most people would describe me as: highly organized, accomplished, on the ball, structured, detailed, "a well oiled machine", the "hub", a go getter, eager, natural leader, time oriented, meticulous, put together, and...you get the point.
There are some women who dream of being a stay at home mom. There are some women who are "Super Mom". There are some women who can build a table, make arts and crafts, try a new recipe every night, blog, do their hair and makeup, exercise, have a clean house, and wiggle their nose.
I go to bed thinking, "What did I do that was so special today?" On top of that, I still haven't connected-kindred spirits- with anyone here. I always thought, "Once I have a kid, I'll join the mommy sorority. I'll be accepted by all those women. We will laugh, we will bake together, we will be best friends, and it will be great!"
It hasn't happened. Not in the slightest. Moving to Bloomington, was a huge transition for me- not the move or even living here. I love it here and I don't mind moving. The transition was going from a working woman to working mom to stay at home mom. When I worked, I had an instant set of friends/co-workers. I had a daily dose of adult conversation that didn't include talking incessantly about kids, actually it did since I was teacher. Okay-didn't include talking incessantly about your own kid or husband (I love my kid and your kid is cute, but I would like to know about YOU!). I also had a set schedule, I had goals that had to be met every day or I wasn't successful at my job, and I had a sense of self. When I moved to Bloomington, I figured I would be instantly embraced into the "Stay at Home Mommy Sorority". I wasn't and because I am so egocentric, at this point-I don't care. Okay, that's a lie. I do care. I care a lot. The point is...
I am not Super Mom. I will never be accepted into the Mommy Sorority. I struggle every single day-some days I don't shower. But what is so ironic about this entire post is that when I was talking with a working mom-she looked at me and said, "I want to hear your opinion on going from career woman to stay at home mom because to me...you look like you got it all together. I mean you're always just so..."
Guess I got you fooled.
Who Hath ears to hear, let him hear
5 years ago
3 comments:
I've never been a stay-at-home mom, other than my maternity leave, but I can relate.
I love my kid. I love him a lot. But I honestly don't think I could stay home with him all day every day. I definitely could work part-time, and hope to someday. Sigh, someday. But for now it is what it is. Working full-time with a baby at home is HARD, and I actually have it pretty easy (easy commute, easy daycare drop-off/pick-up, Calvin stays with my mom 3 days/week, etc.) But if you feel like working will make you a better person/mom/member of society, then do it. Calvin LOVES going to school. It gives him such a great opportunity to interact with other kids, be away from constantly being spoiled and catered to. Anyway, good luck whatever you decide!
Believe it or not, I can totally relate! I only taught for a year, but the day after school got out, I had a complete meltdown. It lasted for quite a while. I'd gone from having my day completely scheduled and always productive to... nothing. I had no schedule, nothing I needed to do, etc. I felt like my life had no purpose. I had days when I didn't shower because why bother? And when Hannah was born, it just got harder. She demanded so much of my time that I felt like I wasn't actually getting anything done, and I thrive on productivity. I have past posts on my blog where I talked about working through this struggle. I really had to organize my days, almost like I did in my classroom. I get up and read in the mornings around 6:30, then get Hannah up, and while she eats I empty the dishwasher and prep everything for dinner that night, then we get ready and get out of the house to go somewhere... a playdate (I totally rely on ward members for friendship), a visit to the zoo, running errands, storytime at the library, whatever. I need to get out of the house or I'm grumpy by the end of the day. Then we come home, eat lunch, put Hannah to bed, and I work on some kind of project for me during naptime. I know my projects can seem overwhelming (I know, I know, I'm the one who built a table), but I NEED things like that so I can feel productive. I always have a list of projects to work on for myself... they keep me sane. Once Hannah's up, she has a snack and we either stick around home working on things here or go out again, to a park, to the store, something like that. Then dinner, play as a family, bedtime routine, put Hannah down, my husband exercises for an hour and I get an hour to myself to do whatever I want to... to finish up on things I didn't get done, to read, to get a head start on the next day, to check email and facebook or whatever, etc. Then we have about an hour together and get ourselves to bed around 10pm.
It's taken us a long time to find a balance that works for us. I found I really have to get out of the house, I really have to have projects that I work on that interest me, and I really need that hour to myself every evening once Hannah's in bed. When I have those times scheduled for me, I can enjoy Hannah more and find more joy in my everyday life.
I still go through times when I'm withdrawn or feeling down. And when that happens, we look over my daily routine and schedule and figure out what can be changed to help my life feel more fulfilling. The schedule I listed above is our most recent one that we started on Monday. We've had other schedules in the past, and after a while, I just needed some kind of a change. And some days when we're sick or something, I just toss the house schedule and to-do list out the window because I don't feel like keeping up with it. But most days, I love having my day mapped out and looking back at everything I got done at the end of the day.
Now that I've found a happy place as a stay at home mom, I can't imagine going back to work. But some people really need that, and it doesn't make you a bad person or mother if you're one of them. I just love how much I can get done at home and how close I can be with my daughter. But everyone is different. I hope you can find something that works for you and helps you find joy in your life!
(sorry for the mega-comment!) :)
Ok...you just described ME! I was just saying this morning (to myself, because the babies don't know what I'm saying). I used to be able to do EVERYTHING and now I struggle to just get them fed, diapered, bathed, dishes done, etc. I barely have time to eat something myself (I'm eating lunch now) and it's 2:51 and I still haven't showered and honestly, if our OT hadn't come to the house yesterday, I probably wouldn't have found the 10 minutes to shower yesterday either. But what scares me about eventually having to go back to work is having to do all of this plus a job. I don't see how working moms do it! I mean, when do they have time to shower? I'll never be accepted into the "mommy" sorority either. I'm not sure I fit in anywhere. I do love being at home with them and I really don't want to return to the working world for at least another four years, but every now and then I do get this feeling like I need to be doing something more...yeah, like I need more on my plate! I think its because I always thought of myself as a career type and the adjustment hasn't been easy. Maybe its because of our extended NICU stay and feeding/breathing issues, but I feel like daycare will not care for them as well as I do, even on my bad days...so for now my house will be cluttered and I may not shower but every other day and I know I'm not in the "sorority" but it will have to do for me for now. Hey, tell your husband to transfer to IUPUI's campus...we can start our own sorority. :-)
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